Fatherhood Myths

One of the many guilty pleasures in the Goodwin household is the court TV show Paternity Court.  Every weekday that I work from home, my eyes and attention start to gravitate from the work on my computer over to the television to witness the two paternity cases presided by Lauren Lake.  Sure, this show presents entertaining paternity cases, and showcases Lauren Lake’s sharp wit and no-nonsense tone in managing her courtroom; but what makes this show so compelling is the candid and honest conversations she has with the litigants during the mediation. Rather than encouraging the sophomoric and raucous behavior after the DNA announcement, she promotes counsel to teach the mother and father about effective co-parenting and renewed focus on the child. One memorable case featured a young man in his late teens boisterously doubting that he was the father of his ex-girlfriend's child. After the DNA result was read—which affirmed the young man as the father—he confessed to Judge Lake one of the most honest statements I have heard: “I don’t know how to be a father.”

Questions similar to this have been asked by many men upon hearing the news of being a new father. Planned or unplanned, parenthood brings along numerous uncertainties along with the joy and excitement. “Am I too old to be running behind a young child?”  “How will my life change with these kids…will I still be able to go out with the fellas like I usually do?” “Will I be as good a parent as my parents were?”  “Can we afford kids – with these skyrocketing day care, formula, food, and other costs?”. Yes, there are so many questions we face as one enters the mysterious world of parenthood.

From my ten plus years as a father, what can I provide to help a new father cope with this new responsibility? From my 47 years being the son of such an outstanding father, what lessons should I transfer to the new father to help ease any anxiety?  From my 6 years of being an Uncle Phil to young Fresh Prince from the Bahamas, how can I consult the father who’s having trouble connecting with that child transitioning into puberty stage and early adulthood?

Father’s Day brings forth many messages, testimonies, and tributes that remind us of the important role fathers play in raising and guiding our children. We hear so many adjectives in celebration of our value to the family.  While not diminishing the sentiments of those timely tributes, I invite you to consider a few myths that consistently render its ugly head in the world of fatherhood. These myths contribute to many misunderstood roles, misguided expectations, and unfair pressures we place on our fathers today.  As I present these to you, I recognize that I may step on a few toes, and may say some things that could trigger additional thought.  Some things may earn me the big piece of chicken at dinner…some things may put me on the couch for a few nights. But in the end…it is my hope that—as I present and examine these myths—you will see that ‘We’re just being Dad’.

Myth #1: Fathers are Babysitters

A few years ago, I was at home taking care of the kids while Renee was out running errands. I began chatting with one of our close friends who called just to check in on us.  After telling her of Renee’s whereabouts, and that I am at home hanging out with the babies…she answered: “Oh wow, so Renee’s got you babysitting today?”

Though I care deeply about our friend, her assessment that day irritated me to the point where I felt compelled to consult with my network of brothers and ask if either of them experienced a similar situation. Not only did the discussion realize other fathers’ experiences where they were called babysitters, but it also presented situations where others viewed their spending time with their kids as something extraordinary or out of the box in the life of a child.

Perhaps this paradigm stems from traditional views of the father’s role in a family. Historically, fathers were out in the workforce, bringing home the bacon as the primary earner and financial provider—and mothers were generally at home, nurturing the children and taking care of the household. Thankfully, we see more shared roles and responsibilities between the mother and father today, as today’s work environment shifts to one of more gender equality.

Perhaps this view stems from the misleading stereotype of the black father as the absentee father.  Many still view the black father as one who is not involved in his child’s development and not responsive to his child’s needs for whatever systematic reason—despite research studies that conclude the opposite. For example, a 2013 study from the CDC revealed that black fathers are just as—and in some cases even more involved in their child’s life than white and Latino fathers in similar environments.

In any sense, we must prayerfully counter these views and realize that a father’s presence—physical and spiritual presence—is vital in the development of a child.

Speaking on behalf of black fatherhood…our nurturing and guiding role is crucial now more than ever.  We are there to teach our kids to do their best—even be better than best—to achieve success in this competitive world. We are there to build conflict resolution skills, so that they won’t have to rely on guns or violence to primarily solve problems. As they venture into teenage years, we are there to give them two talks…the one about sex, and the other about surviving an encounter with the police.  We are there to bring them to church, pray with them, and nurture them through their spiritual development.  We are not babysitters; we are just being Dad.

A few years ago, we were preparing for my godson's parent teacher conference at his high school. As we reviewed his class material, he disclosed to us an incident where he and his teammates was reprimanded by the school administration.  At that time, there was a viral teen fad called The Dunk Challenge.  This activity entails kids driving around a certain neighborhood--and when they find a house with a basketball goal, one of them would jump out the car, try to dunk a ball, and run back into the car and drive off. One day after school he and a few of his teammates decided to do the dunk challenge in one of the adjacent neighborhoods to the school, and one of the residents—after recognizing the kids, call the school in complaint.

He told us of the punishment the school imposed on them, and after considering it to be a very light slap on the wrist (especially the fact that no one from the school informed us of the incident), we had to step in and get on him about these actions.  This majority white, private school may have seen this a simple, harmless prank by their kids…but we saw something different.  In 2018…the middle of the Trump era— a group of majority young black men going outside of their school’s safety net and roaming around a neighborhood running into someone’s property. All it would have taken was going into the wrong yard—and emboldened and quick-triggered gun owner ready to stand his ground—not seeing them as a harmless teenager from the private school next door, but as a black boy looking to start trouble.  We felt the need to make him, and the school know of the dangers these actions, and the continued need to instruct these young students to be more aware of their surroundings and avoid dangerous situations, especially as a young black man. And if we were not there in that situation as caring parents, he may not have learned that lesson.

Myth #2: Fathers are Friends

I remember one weekend during my college years being back home to spend time with my dad. Unlike other weekend visits, this one was special because it was the first time coming back home since joining my fraternity—which too was my dad's fraternity.  During that weekend my mom had to leave and spend the night with her mom to take care of some matters…so that Saturday night left me and my dad…my frat brother…to hang out.  As I was out picking up some food for us to eat, I decided to stop by the video store to pick up a couple of movies. One was a concert film of Redd Foxx, and the other—I can’t remember its name—was definitely intended for mature audiences. But hey, I knew my dad wouldn’t mind…we’re frat brothers now.

After showing him the videos, my frat brother gave me a look that I would never forget.  He didn’t have to say anything, but that look put me back in my place and told me ‘Boy, I am still your father!”

I am reminded of that humbling moment every time my child asks: ‘Dad, are you my friend?’ I remember the valuable lessons he taught—at times through stern discipline—to become a responsible, respectful, man of God. I remember him taking the time out of his extremely busy schedule pastoring five churches at one time—just to be present at my ball games and other school events.  I remember him making sacrifice after sacrifice to make sure our college education is paid in full. I remember him leaving a legacy that both expects and inspires me to live a life of service…using every opportunity possible to make our community and world a better place. From those reflections, I provide my kids with the answer. “I am more than your friend; I am your dad.”

I do not intend to demean or diminish the role of a friend in one's life, for true friendship is vital to one's mental and emotional well-being.  Rather, I contend that a father is someone greater. In her newsletter Good Parenting Brighter Children, Sharlene Habermayer observes: 

Kids need their parents to be their parents—not their friends. They need someone they can look up to, someone they can confide in, and someone who is willing to show tough love when necessary. By being a parent (and not a friend) and through hard work and consistent dedication, you can raise happy productive children who become amazing adults!

Dads can be fun. We absolutely love spending time with our children--sharing dad jokes and watching them develop.  But there are times where we have to enforce rules, show discipline, and say some things that they will not like or understand.  That side of dad that we have to show at times is only because we love them and want them to do their best. We’re not being their friend…we’re just being dad. And that is something much better.

Myth #3: Fathers are Perfect

We generally think of our fathers as someone with all the answers…who can solve any problem and fix any issue…someone strong, proud, invincible. While this is a flattering myth, I must present this on the contrary. Dads are not perfect; we have vulnerabilities and make many mistakes as we continuously grow into this role. At times we say the wrong word or two while watching a ball game…we try to help out with homework, only to have the child bring the work back to school with the answers all wrong…we go through frustrations trying to teach the child to ride a bike or tie his shoes.  And on the extreme end, after realizing that there is no other choice, we abandon our family and yield to a life that eventually leads to prison or in the grave.

In answering the introductory question of what advice to offer to the new father…this would be my most important response. Fathers are not perfect. You must make room for mistakes and learn from them. More importantly, know that there are resources and support networks available to help you grow emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.

Emotionally, take care of your mental health. It is okay to talk to someone about whatever you are going through. There’s professional help out there, numerous networks and groups available that provide a safe area for you to share candidly about your situation. There are friends and family out there that you can trust to be there for you in any way. Whatever you do…it is not best to keep it inside. For as it continually builds up and reaches that boiling point, it will definitely come out the wrong way and wrong time.

Physically, do not be afraid to go to the doctor. Trust me, I am a living testimony. You are past the point of just taking the 'Tussin' as the cure all. Keep your health intact, for physical health prepares one to fulfill God’s purpose. I echo Saint John in his letter to Gaius, as he writes: I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well.

Financially, do all you can to ensure financial stability for your child in the long term. Get life insurance—both for you and your children.  Whether it's through your job or through another financial institution, regularly contribute to an investment plan or educational fund. While it is important to provide for their current needs, but it's equally vital to use your resources to take care of them after we depart this earth.  Jesus exemplifies this as presented in the gospel of John. While on the cross, he saw his mother and the disciple he loved. He assured his mother’s care by presenting her to the disciple—who immediately took her into his household.

My message to fathers is simple: you are not perfect, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It's all a part of your development as a father. Whatever you’re going through in this life of fatherhood, and feel the need for help, you are not weak or a failure…you’re just being dad.